Previously, on Dirt...
Don, your brother's been in a car accident.
I don't remember any of it.
Jason, you came.
Hi, Sharlee.
Don's gonna be your personal photographer.
I really liked "Love Me Monday".
Thank you.
Get your ass
off that wall!
Just promise that you'll tell me before it gets printed.
Do you think that Roy's gonna find out about what you're doing?
We could've gotten another million out of her.
His whole marriage to Sharlee was a complete scam.
- It's not good. - Play with my hair, Don.
It's Debbie Ann. They never really broke up.
They planned it to get your money.
Sharlee, I'm worried about you.
You should be kissing my ass.
Can I start with your lips?
And you're here to convince me
to buy your magazine.
What's in it for Brent Barrow?
May I?
- I'm Lucy. - Good to put a face to the name.
Brent Barrow says the website can produce more revenue.
He wants editorial control.
Brent Barrow shouldn't be in control of the air-conditioning.
Do you want to go to the Hollywood Gold Awards with me?
Sure.
What is this thing?
I don't know. I just want to be with you.
Me too.
Lucy Spiller, would you like to go on a date with me?
Yes, I would.
How'bout the...
the Hollywood Gold Awards?
We can't do that.
Besides, I'm already going with someone.
Reporters have to be inside before that.
Come on, this is Awards Night 101.
Thank God.
Figure it out, or you'll be spending the night
with a centerpiece sticking out of your ass.
Hi.
Where'd you learn to fold one of these?
J., don't touch that. It's for my pinhole camera thing.
You gonna get out today?
- Why? Is there an eclipse or something? - Come on.
Doctor said you gotta get out and about. You've been on the couch for two weeks.
- You gotta do something. - I am doing something.
I'm hanging out with my big brother.
So?
- You gonna bang her? - Who?
Who? Sharlee Cates, man.
I told you that's just business.
Dude, you're with her every day.
Don't act like you haven't thought about it, please.
It's my job.
- Yeah? - Don.
You're not like the other paps. You're such a nice guy.
I told you that in confidence.
Don, please, can I see it?
Whip it out for me, Don, please?
Just a sneaky peeky, huh?
Dude, my neck!
- J., you okay? - Kiss me, Donnie!
You asshole!
Man.
Don't wait up.
Good afternoon, Brent.
Please. You and your friend, join us.
Champagne is already poured.
Get in the car.
Hi. Welcome.
Hi.
Look at my little prom king.
I love flowers.
They're so corny.
Tonight is gonna be the greatest night of my life,
because I am gonna present Mia
with her Lifetime Achievement Award.
And you know what?
She asked for me. It was completely her idea.
I just... I love her so much.
Here.
Open your mouth.
- Spearmint. - THC.
No, I'm good.
Season 2 Episode 6 And The Winner Is...
Love that. Holt will be here any minute.
I can give you a little time with him, but then he has to do E.T.
and thePeople photo booth.
Will Jasmine Ford be with him?
Are they officially together?
Are you looking to have a new one chewed?
What? No. Hang on. Sorry, sweetie.
Holt and Jasmine are very excited to be working together.
They have the utmost respect and affection for each other.
That work? There's your quote.
Thanks.
After the event, do we just go back to the office?
No. The party's just the beginning.
Final transmissions are at 5:00.
Lucy'll have us up making copy changes until about 4:59.
Danielle said
that the close schedule changed, so all text is locked by 4:00.
Basically meaning...
I know what it means. I've done this before.
Holt's here. It's now or never.
Now listen, you can ask him anything you want about the movie.
No questions about Julia Mallory.
Gorgeous. Hi.
Willa from DirtNow. Don't say anything stupid. I'll be right over there.
Be charming. Don't worry.
- Hi. - How are you?
- Congratulations on your nomination. - Thank you.
Just glad it only took ten years' worth of work
to get nominated for Best Newcomer.
You believe that?
That wasn't believable enough? Should I try that again?
Good luck. My money would be on you.
Holt will next be seen starring opposite
Jasmine Ford in the drama Fear Tactic.
And here comes a tender moment.
Jasmine gives her former husband,
baseball star Trey Paulson, a hug.
They are truly two of Hollywood's friendliest exes.
Obviously they're not screening for steroids.
Don't be hating, baby.
I've got nothing but love for you.
Besides, do you really want to call me
on my shit with all of your indiscretions?
I've been sober 13 months.
Seems like just yesterday you were sober 13 months for the first time.
My beauty.
Goodbye. Come with me.
Everybody needs you down here.
Cute.
Now arriving, America's princess of pop,
Miss Sharlee Cates.
Sharlee, over here!
Come on, give me a shot,
Jesus Christ, it's Konkey!
Okay. Own it, don't hide,
give it to them and get it over with.
Do you smell cherries?
Hey, Sharlee,
when'd you start sleeping with the enemy?
Donnie and I are just friends.
And here she is,
God's gift to pop, and that's a direct quote from her, folks.
Mia.
Mia is receiving the Lifetime Achievement Award tonight,
and it will be given to her by none other than Sharlee Cates.
I love this girl.
Isn't she beautiful?
Mia, over here!
Come on, give me a shot!
Oh my Gosh.
- Hey. - Hello, gorgeous.
- Hi, Jasmine. - How are you?
Good. Did you get that plasma screen I sent you?
Thank you, Ted, but it's gonna take more than that
to get me to commit to your mini-series.
I thought our offer was quite generous, to say the least.
Bump it up from generous to obscene and we'll talk.
Besides, I can't take on anything until I'm done with my boy here.
When do you guys start that project?
We go on location next week.
- Lucky you. - No.
We're just good friends.
Though I always fall in love a little bit with my costar.
What about you Holt? Do you always fall just a little bit in love?
No. I tend a girl for the emotionally unavailable types.
Now I know the party can start.
- How are you? - Good.
Jasmine. Do you know Claire?
Of course. We worked together years ago.
And this is Lucy Spiller
and...
- Tim... - Ted.
Ted Coleman.
Lucy Spiller. I should be mad at you for all the awful things
you wrote about me this year.
Or stop doing awful things.
Heard great things about The Plantation.
Wonderful script. Can't wait to get started.
How'bout a toast?
You need a drink.
May good fortune reign over all of our projects.
Cheers.
Can I get you to raise your arms, please, sir?
Sir, you're gonna have to leave this here.
Nice try, Konkey.
Raise your arms, please.
Do you want the underwire from my bra?
'Cause you could probably sell it on eBay
and take your girlfriend to Jamaica for a month.
You certainly know your shit, Donnie.
All right, I have one request for those who win tonight.
If you haven't been in a synagogue or a church in the last two years,
you can't thank God.
Hello.
You seem to get along pretty well with McLaren.
Why shouldn't I?
His girlfriend did try to kill you
and then wound up dead herself.
I don't know. That'd make most people feel a little awkward.
Well, luckily, I'm a people person.
Yes, you are.
... last year's Best Actress winner, Jasmine Ford,
and the star of Native Speaker, Malachi Brody.
A clown, a pianist, a little league coach.
Jasmine.
What is she doing?
- That's your line. - It's quite all right.
A clown, a pianist, a little league coach.
Jasmine?
Let's see.
These are some of the roles
played by the outstanding nominees for Best Dramatic
Male Actor.
Now, that's awkward.
She's been sober for year, I don't get it.
Maybe it's food poisoning.
I've had food poisoning, and I don't remember giggling.
Okay, half the civilized world has caught this on live TV.
The other half will catch it on YouTube in about two hours.
- What happened? - Career fallout,
family reactions, rehab plans...
What we didn't see, was she drinking, when?
You know, could've been pills. Vicodin works fast.
Even faster if you chase it with Atavan.
That's what we bookworms did in college,
in lieu of women.
All right. What did her rep say?
I was covering the smoking area. I wasn't in the press room.
You were in the smoking area
because you wanted a smoke. I was where I was supposed to be.
Who said anything about you? I was covering the smoking area
It made Bee sick and she wanted to switch.
You've either slept together or you've slept together.
Either way, go do your goddamn jobs. Go.
- What's wrong with you? - How was that accusatory...
That's beautiful. That's great.
Okay, good. Yep. Yep, yep, yep.
Why are you all smiles?
You ever been to Bora Bora?
- No, but it's on my list. - Oh, yeah?
Clear next week.
Brent, I need to talk with you.
And I with you.
Go look at something shiny, will you?
Remember the rights to all theDirtNow brand extensions,
books, TV specials, foreign editions?
Of course. Gibson refused to include them in the sale.
What if I were to tell you that Gibson has agreed to sell these to you
for one dollar?
That got you there, huh?
It turns out his lawyers misinterpreted some clause in the contract.
If he hangs on to these rights, he's on the hook for millions in tax liability.
But you... you,
on the other hand, have no exposure to worry about.
You are a multi-national.
Congratulations.
Your holdings just increased by a hundred million dollars.
Wonderful.
Now,
- may I tell you what I wanted to say? - Yeah.
Switch women with me.
I want your date.
- Wait a minute. - You can have mine.
- Adam, I can't just trade her off, man. - Brent.
A challenge is a beautiful thing,
to lock horns, to bury a shoulder
into the heart of an obstacle.
Meet this challenge and stand victorious
in a downpour of red roses.
Fail, and wilt,
diminished in both stature and worth.
An artist of extraordinary vision and creativity,
she has had a profound impact not only
on the American music industry,
but on the world's pop cultural scene as well.
Get anything?
I got some stuff.
Ladies and gentlemen,
it gives me great pleasure to present this Lifetime Achievement Award
to my personal hero, Mia.
Hi.
It's tired, but the tongues were a nice twist.
If I know Mia, she's gonna stonewall the press.
But you have an inside pass,
so I want you to use it, Don. Don't let me down.
Don. Hey.
Have you been drinking?
- No. - Seriously.
Allergies.
It must be somebody's perfume or something.
She's at St. Margaret's, she's suffering from exhaustion.
That's it.
Exhaustion? Isn't that Hollywood for shit-faced?
She was clean.
Nothing but Diet Cokes and bottled water for the past year.
You expect me to go back to Lucy
and tell her that Jasmine Ford blew chunks on national television
because she need a nap?
I've lied for my clients before. That's my job.
But I'm telling you, I am not lying. She was clean.
I think somebody slipped something in her soda.
How's Jasmine?
- They took her to the hospital. - Really?
Was she on something?
Is this for the record?
Would it make a difference?
Nope. Just like knowing who I'm talking to, you know?
- You're talking to me. - That's what I'm afraid of.
No, I didn't see her drink anything that wasn't carbonated all night, so...
Did she seem upset about anything?
Well, she ran into her dick of an ex-husband on the red carpet.
She seemed to get over it, so...
Between me and you, she's got bigger problems.
- What? - They want her off the movie.
According to Cheryl, with her history,
the studio didn't want to bond her to begin with, so...
- Who would replace her? - I don't know.
But if she looks half as good as you in that dress,
then I will be one happy leading man.
You're just saying that because I'm emotionally unavailable.
Maybe.
What?
- Tim? Timmy? - Ted.
- Ted? - Timmy.
- He's not the right one. - And you know that how?
I can hear it in your breathing.
- Is that so? - Yeah.
It's all jagged and uneven.
A little like it is now, you know?
You know, her rep said that she's clean. I think I believe her.
Yeah. Unless she's one of those rare celebrities
- who's into self-destruction. - OK, there's self-destruction,
and then there's dropping a nuclear warhead on your career.
I'm not buying it. Willa, your boyfriend the baseball player?
Seemed like he might get a kick out of seeing her crash and burn.
- Maybe he doped her. - Her ex-husband?
Isn't that the equivalent of the butler did it? What's his motive?
He's her ex-husband.
Sold, I guess.
You know what? Pass me those packets of sweetener.
What for?
Just because I'm not a jock doesn't mean I don't follow sports.
Our man Trey has been known to howl at the moon.
I can totally see you in music videos.
Oh, yeah. Like Kanye Eastside and stuff.
You know, we actually have a really good relationship with VH1.
- Yep. - Really?
- I'm sure they would be interested. - They'd go crazy, man.
Step on in.
Yippee skippee.
- Just, uh, do this. - Did we lock the door?
- Oh, my... - Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
- Oh, shit. - Don't worry. I got my own party.
- Great. That's great. - That's great.
- I love that stuff. - Great.
You don't think that what happened to Trey's ex tonight is gonna hurt him?
No, no. I mean, you don't have much contact with her nowadays, do you?
No, thank you. I've had my fill of crazy.
Yeah. Man, that was some insane shit tonight, huh?
Yeah. But you know who's really getting screwed here?
Me. Okay?
My prenup says half of everything that she makes, I get.
No one's gonna hire her now.
I swear that bitch did that just to spite me.
- Oh, go ahead. - Hey, party time.
- See, Paulson's too greedy. - He wants the money.
- Right. And he does not like her. - Hates her.
- He wouldn't jeopardize... - the money.
- So she's gonna lose the movie. - The Holt McLaren movie?
Who'd want to see that?
- Dumping her? - The studio maybe.
Jesus.
Shut up.
Mia?
Ah, there she is. My heir apparent.
I... I just... I wanted to thank you so much,
because you have been my idol since I can remember,
and now out there, I'm just...
I'm so honored.
Thanks.
Thanks for stopping by.
Maybe we could do the press room together
and that way I could be completely honest
about my reaction and it would just be about
the music and...
Don't take this the wrong way, Sharlee,
but we're... we're done here.
Oh. I just thought...
Yeah, well, that's the problem.
I'm sorry, I don't... I'm I'm not sure I understand.
Ah, sure you do. Think about it.
Our kiss was no different than you flashing your getting out of a limo
or cutting your hair for the paparazzi.
We're in the business of being provocative
That's our job.
Staying relevant in a world
with an attention spin of a magpie
The way I look at it, I just added another 5 minutes
to what little is left of your 15.
Don't get me wrong, Sharlee.
I do admire you in your dead animal.
We're all creations to a degree, but you,
you've built an empire on nothing but smoke
and nary enough talent
or gray matter to float a spoon.
You're welcome.
You know, all this bitterness?
Makes you look old.
Hey, can I bum a smoke?
Sure.
Haven't had a cigarette in almost three years.
Not a day goes by where I don't think about lighting one up.
Can I get a light?
Gave up gambling,
I gave up smoking.
Booze and pussy.
That's all I got left.
I'm sure as hell not giving up either one of those.
I hear you.
Especially with the piece of ass I'm banging right now.
I mean, I've had my fair share, you know?
How could you not, living in this town?
But I gotta be honest with you, man.
Lucy Spiller, she's one horny girl.
I know she looks all hard on the outside,
but I get her bent over my sofa, I smack her ass a little bit,
she starts howling at...
How'd that work out for you, Timmy? Got something else to say, buddy?
What are you thinking?
I'm sorry, all right?
I shouldn't have, but he had it coming to him.
Because of what? What did he say?
That I was a slut? That I put out?
What are you, 16?
What world are you living in?
He played you.
All right. So what? So he played me.
Who cares?
This is a big mistake.
It's a big mistake, and you're making it.
Your friend Adam is quite a character.
Oho. You like him?
He's rich, handsome, arrogant.
And he looks at me like I'm covered in Béarnaise sauce.
What's not to like?
Well,
he told me that
he finds you very attractive.
Is that my cue to jump up and down and clap?
Oh, what is it with beautiful women and bile?
What is it about rich men and entitlement?
I'm just saying...
might be interesting.
So let me get this straight.
You're pimping me off to your boss.
Jen, Jen, Jen, Jen, Jen.
I love you like...
like an 18-year-old scotch,
but let's not rewrite history here.
Before tonight, I hadn't seen you in three months.
All right. True. So I see how one could
construe that to mean they have the right to trade me
- like an old baseball card. - I'm not trading you, sweetheart.
I'm not. I'm... I'm...
I'm alerting you...
to an opportunity.
One million dollars for one night.
- Oh, God. - Just like the movie.
Two if his girlfriend sticks around.
The guy can have anybody he wants.
He doesn't have to pay for sex.
Sweetheart,
everybody pays for sex.
Speak of the devil.
You have very beautiful toes.
Don't you think I tried the agents?
Nobody is going to say anything until they cast a replacement.
- Quiet. Sorry, Greg, what was that? - Don't tell...
Yeah.
Got it.
No. Thanks, man.
Okay. Um, he heard the execs say
that the whole thing is a blessing in disguise.
Okay? Studio had buyer's remorse on her deal from the get-go.
They even floated the idea to her agents
of putting her on a different movie.
How fortuitous.
You don't think it was the studio that doped her
so that they could cancel her contract?
Why not? This is Hollywood.
Do you have those business affairs sources at the studio?
Who do you think I'm calling, Einstein?
Open your mouth.
- I talked to Jen. - Who?
- My date. - Oh.
They usually take 30 minutes to kick in.
Special blend.
A little E, a little speed, a little DXM.
She wants a million dollars for the night.
Two if Nicolina's on the dance card.
Brent, Brent,
Brent.
An ambiguously worded clause my lawyers
would have found eventually is one thing,
but this is a real test of your value.
My offer to Jen is my company, nothing else.
Work with that.
- I'm sorry. - For what?
Come on, you're too smart to play stupid.
Really? I think I played stupid really well.
Do you love him?
I don't know.
What?
I thought we weren't gonna play stupid.
Bye.
I really love what I do.
I'm ashamed at
how much I love what I do, but...
if I couldn't do anything in life,
the music is...
I think you sing beautifully.
Really?
Tattered? Your third CD? It's all I listen to now.
I'm 41 years old, and it's all I listen to.
I love the incongruity.
What is that?
You know, the absurdity of something when...
you know, like, when things don't go together.
Like us?
Yeah.
Will you kiss me, Don?
Like normal people kiss?
It's an early slide to the events.
Art Department's already got them. They just need your approval.
Oh. We thought you could use that for the Ed. Letter.
Claire Leland's movie, The Plantation.
Call your source and see if they have a start date.
I presented your offer.
And?
I wish they'd let you smoke in here.
What?
- That's it? - Apparently.
You like my Jaguar?
It's all right.
Just had it detailed.
Well, you should get your money back,
'cause you can still smell the desperation when you get in.
What you do tonight
to one person
I've had to do
countless times
over
years.
I can't tell if you're bragging or lamenting.
Do me a favor.
If the world should go up in flames tomorrow
and it's just you and me left...
pretend you didn't see me.
[Lucy] Claire.
Congratulations.
- For what? - Your new job.
You're taking Jasmine Ford's part in Fear Tactic.
I doubt it. I think I'd have heard.
Well, you heard about The Plantation. I mean, it's shutting down.
- I had no idea. - Really?
What... What was it?
Was it ketamine that you put in Jasmine's Diet Coke?
Or PCP? Rohypnol?
Did you do it by yourself, or did you get help?
You're starting to sound like your magazine.
Why don't you save it for your memoirs,
because you'll never be allowed to print it.
I'm sure I'll find a way.
Good luck.
I've decided to keep both women.
But in exchange, you get
the website and the options,
and since you did discover the properties before my lawyers,
let's add a finder's fee, say,
two and a half percent on the hundred mil?
A little something for all your efforts tonight. One of my assistants
just dropped it off.
It's outside.
All right!
One! Two! One two three four!
What'd you get?
Oh, I gotta go home and look... look at some stuff.
All right, Don, stop it.
What about the tape recorder?
Don, I need this.
I have nothing on Jasmine.
I don't have anything else. Sharlee and Mia, that is it.
I'm sorry, Lucy. You know, there's nothing there.
Sharlee went and said hi to Mia, and that was it.
I couldn't get a story.
Okay, which was it?
There was nothing there or you couldn't get it?
Nothing there.
Okay. I don't believe you.
Give me the recorder.
Don, give it to me.
She is not a person, she is a product.
If you can't remember that, maybe you should take some time off.
I should've called.
- Forget it. - No, it's... E-mails are so impersonal.
- You know, I just... I just thought... - I never got an e-mail.
I sent it from my personal account.
I don't open e-mails from unknown senders.
Well, I figured that
after we slept together, the least I could do
is give you my personal e-mail address.
That is so sweet.
Well, I try.
- What did it say? - What?
- The e-mail. What did it say? - It said that I think you're actually
- a very good reporter. - Hmm.
Lucy, Lucy, do you like this one?
Okay, all right, I need a minute!
Um, she needs a minute.
Oh, Don.
I want to see you.
What? You know the drill.
Close the book.